the fight begins... well. it's my 14th year in battle!

I decided to write a blog to see for myself in the written word exactly what it is that I, along with millions of other people fight with on a daily basis. Surely, if I am going through this battlefield every day, I can't be the only one. Maybe this can help someone else as well as myself.. maybe not!..

This isn't a blog about my weight loss successes, it is a blog about the day to day reality of trying to lose weight... not recognising yourself in the mirror.. or in photographs.. being thought of as someone completely different to the person you feel on the inside. I know I still feel exactly the same as I did when I weighed 110 pounds! Often I think I have the opposite of anorexia. I see a THIN (well, not so fat) person staring at me in teh mirror.. and then I'm horrified when I see photos or video of myself.. constantly asking anyone who'll listen and be honestly objective "am I REALLY THAT fat?".... to which I most often here the gentle polite reply "no.. not really.. its the angle you're sitting at..' or 'the clothes you are wearing made you look much bigger than you are'..... and every time I will VOW to start losing weight again......

After so many years of dieting and exercising.. I have become a slave to the scale. I know how many calories, points, sins, carbs, proteins are in everything that passes my lips. I know how many calories it takes to lose a pound of fat.. or to gain a pound of fat. I know the turmoil that goes on inside my head every single day.. from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. The battle with myself not to give in to the cravings or that feeling of 'hunger' that is eating away at me.. (wish it would take some of the fat with it!)... so why am I still fighting this war?

I don't think anyone without a weight problem really knows the battle that goes on in our minds on a daily basis. The trauma we go through when we sit in a restaurant with people staring peripherally, yes, even fat people need to eat!

Have you found yourself screaming inside your own head in the quiet of the night whilst you raid the refrigerator to find something to quieten those cravings?... Yelling to yourself.. "DON"T DO IT" but still find your hands grabbing onto whatever it is that the OTHER voices tell you 'it's ok, what is THIS ONE chocolate/cake/cookie/cheese/yoghurt etc going to make?" Do you feel the dread AS you are eating whatever it is that is screaming at you.. knowing the hell you will go through once you've swallowed the last bite?... Do you ever wonder why the voice that makes you feel so damned ugly, fat and disgusting when you are trying on new clothes or squeezing into your freshly washed jeans is completely SILENT in the presence of food!??... That is the voice I need to be yelling at me when I'm reaching for the whole milk... that is the voice I need to guide me to the right choices... but it is ALWAYS SO QUIET at the WRONG TIMES! Well this is a little of MY experience with my war..

I hope to find the answer to this question as my blog continues on. This is a blog of self discovery. I've never really written it down before.. but maybe now, seeing it in black and white (or the lovely sepia tone I've just chosen) I will awaken to the reality that is this fight.. it sure is exhausting.


I won't be using any politically correct phrases.. there are no 'big boned' people in my blog.. there are not 'large or big' people in my blog..there are no 'cuddly' people here... I am a fat person... overweight.. obese.. these are words I have no trouble with. They do not bother me as much as my not getting into fashionable clothes and to be taken seriously as a professional because I am a size 16/18.. really... the word 'fat' is the least of my problems!

QUICK BACKGROUND
My mother used to pray for me to gain weight. She was so afraid that one day my fragile bones would snap! We laugh.. I tell her 'YOU PRAYED TOO HARD MUM!.. Look what you did to me!'.. but we both know it wasn't her.. it was ALL me.. and I take complete ownership.
When did I become fat?..When I was 23 years old.. I had always reamined at 110-115 pounds until I started my first job at 17 years old. I played sports 3 or 4 times a week, badminton,. tennis, swimming, jogging, I would go on dates to the gym!. I loved to dance. I was always moving. I gained about 15 pounds in my first year at work.. all of those lunches and desk snacks.. (my favourite was penguin biscuits dunked in chicken soup!.. a delightful accident which came from dunking into what I thought was my hot chocolate)... My thyroid stopped working when I was 22 and went undiagnosed for 2 years. I gained 60 pounds in those two years. I was totally exhausted all the time, I stopped playing sports completely, I didn't go out with friends, I had every symptom in the book but my incompetent overpaid GP told me I was eating too much and not exercising enough. He was right! but I wanted to know why. Finally I was diagnosed when I moved house and started on thyroxine. My weight problem didn't dissipate.. I was now a slave to depression. I had practically become a recluse. I would go to college or work in the daytime.. and waste the night watching 3 or 4 movies on rented dvd's.. eating family size bars of chocolate..needing to counterbalance the sugar with salt..and devour an entire family pack of cheesy puffs (cheetos).. followed by wine and cigarettes..What started out as a Saturday night treat became a nightly occurrence.

I will reveal more about my 14 years on the battlefield of weight loss as my blog continues.

In a nutshell. I've tried ALL the diets.. (enough stories there to fill a few novels)
I've even had weight loss surgery. I am approaching my second year anniversary with the Lap Band. I've lost 40 pounds.. and gained back a few... and lost a few and gained back a few.. So WHY can't I lose weight?

I still have 80 pounds to lose...

So here it is. My weight statistics.. I'll put it all out there for anyone to see... and maybe I'll even start adding photo's for those who are interested in fighting this war with me...

Heaviest weight 251 pounds December 2007
Lightest weight: 198 pounds August 2009
Current weight 218 pounds May 18th 2009
Goal 140 pounds............................ *although I'd be happy at getting to 198 again!!..